Thoughts that fly out the window

The weather is getting warmer. The sun is out. And the window light was just too good to be wasted.

I've been thinking a lot (that's what happens when you live alone). Thoughts big and small. Like... "I wonder if I should do laundry today"... or ... "I can't teach like this forever, can I? What's next?"

I used to have plans. Now, it's year by year. Wherever the wind blows me. Is that bad? I can always go back to school... but I hate the idea of taking out loans. I've been thinking a lot about trying to get a scholarship here. To attend a Korean university to study Korean. And then I could get some kind of sweet photography/translator job. I'm still not done with Korea. It's got its hooks into me I think.

And at the same time... for the first time... I actually feel a bit homesick. Even though I don't technically have a home in the states to return to. Of course, I can always stay with my parents... but that means getting a local low level job and sinking into mediocrity. Into the mundane life. Don't get me wrong, the hometown life isn't a bad one... it's just not for me. I'm too... too... I don't know. Perhaps I've seen too much. Done too much. Learned too much. And so I can never go back to what I was before.

Am I losing or finding myself?

And just like the lyrics from one of Jack Johnson's songs... I often wonder... "Where have all the good people gone?" I would like to see someone do something selfless... something to help someone else. And I also want the opportunity to do something selfless myself... could I/would I, if the situation presented itself? I'd like to think so.

I think I'm suffering from Solomon's malady. Everything seems meaningless... a chasing after the wind. I meet people that just want to make money. They work for hours and hours. They seek power, recognition, and pleasure. But it's all been done before. And when we die, what will we have accomplished... what will I have accomplished? What am I doing that will leave a legacy? I think everyone must have these thoughts. I suppose the point is... so what? What now? Solomon's answer was to respect God, eat, drink, and be merry. Actually, Solomon's words are kind of a downer... he concludes with "Meaningless! Meaningless! Everything is meaningless!"

I suppose the fact that he knew or felt that everything was meaningless means the opposite exists... there must be some meaning... somewhere. And that is what everyone is looking for. And if I get really philosophical, the search for meaning itself, could be the meaning (which is something I don't actually believe). I know these ideas are not new; they've been out there forever. But it's fun to throw them around sometimes.

I think, in the end, Solomon's point was that nothing is permanent except God. Wealth comes and goes. Power comes and goes. Beauty comes and goes. And even love can fade away. Only God seems to be constant. And for me, that means, if I want to find meaning, I need to know and understand God as best I can.

I've been told I think too much. Perhaps it's true. Perhaps I've been cursed with an ever questioning mind. Doomed to never know peace and child-like bliss.

Oh well, I guess I can just follow Solomon's advice and take joy in the time of my youth, while I still have it. But of course I'll remember... I must remember... any consequences good or bad will reach far into the future.

So here's to taking joy in life and thinking by windows...

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