So much happens here.
How does one keep track of it all?
How does a person share the little details that bring a smile or raise an eyebrow? How does one convey the tiny nuances that add up to something so grand?
The colors. The sites. The words. The conversations. The people. The food. The smells. The subtle messages that speak so loudly.
While on the bus, I imagined Jesus sitting beside me in the empty seat. He was smiling. And suddenly I was smiling. And I thought to myself "Ryan, your soul is at peace. How many people can say that? You feel so happy about the person God is making you into. And these people around you probably think you're crazy for smiling at an empty seat."
I realized that the people I was with often voiced fears or became scared when a bus swerved or the weather changed. Deep down (or maybe right there on the surface) they feared death. Is it stupidity that gives me such confidence during these times, or is it something deeper?
I have entered a new and strange world. A world in which I am a part, yet separate. Never before have I been in such a position. I go to the bars. I breathe the second hand smoke. I listen to the crude jokes, the words of ridicule, and the deep questions of the heart. Not once have I mentioned that I am a Christian. Not once have I spoken the name of God. It is not because I am ashamed or timid. It is because I have opted to live the life of a Christian rather than talk about the life of a Christian. Despite all of this... people somehow know what I believe. I've been told by others here that I "have a good vibe" and a "good heart".
What could this be but light from the purest source reflecting off my flawed surface? My heart is filled with such joy. Despite my many dark thoughts and deeds, I have been given the ability to call myself a child of God. At the same time, my heart is filled with sadness for those that have ears that don't hear and eyes that don't see.
As a wiseman once said, "Great pain often accompanies great joy."
And another wiseman once said, "Pride comes before the fall."
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2 comments:
Ryan -
Your words are encouraging to me as I prepare to enter a very dark place. Your light is shining so brightly - I saw it at Tilikum and I see it now.
Keep it up, my friend!
El
Ryan I don't know if I have actually ever said this to you but man I love you! You are such and amazing guy! As a sat by my computer reading what you had typed I couldn't believe that I had spent 4 years of my life with such an amazing person. Your words were just so poetic and I could tell they came from the heart. I seriously though that as I was reading this you must be quoting someone because it was so good. I am so proud of you that you could choose to say no to your major, which you put so much work in, and go and do what you feel God is leading you to do. Your Amazing and I feel so priviledged to be your friend. God Bless you and keep posting your God sent thoughts because I want to read them. I love you man and keep representing the word... A.K.A Jesus!
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